Best I Ever Had
by dyo
Summary: A songfic. Aoshi reminisce the past and finds his teacher in the end.


Best I Ever Had a songfic by dyosa :)  
  
Disclaimers apply. The song "Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)" is sung by Vertical Horizon. Characters belong to Nobuhiro Watsuke, yada yada.  
  
Notes: flashbacks Aoshi may sound confusing. Just remember that he's somewhere around six and eleven years of age in the flashbacks. Warning: W-A-F-F-Y. ******  
  
The steep stairs glistened with the rain shower, where puddles formed on almost every step, making the journey down slightly risky. The branches of the trees that were surrounding the temple grounds shook with the firm blow of the winds, making the clinging dewdrops let go of their grasps on each leaves, their fall either broken with the soft ground or the hard pavement.  
Slowly, the brisk winds blew away the dark clouds farther from the temple, ending its journey towards the mountains. It has been a listless morning for most of the people in the town, their melancholic temperament adding up to the still cloudy atmosphere, even after the rain. It has been like this for the past weeks, with the rainy season at its peak.  
But for one person, his constant vigil on almost every waking hour and for the rest of the morning, as well as the afternoon of continual meditation was impeded by that certain day.  
  
So you sailed away Into a grey sky morning Now I'm here to stay Love can be so boring  
  
Aoshi left the temple the moment after the rain stopped, clutching the unused umbrella he brought along with him when he perceived a damp weather that morning. It was still mid afternoon, unusual for him to leave that early from his meditation in the temple. But he'll let it pass. Because on that day, memories of a certain young woman with a gentle smile would assail his thoughts, the emotions she brought in him would once again prick his heart, both sad and happy.  
  
Nothing's quite the same now I just say your name now  
  
His memories of her still exist vaguely, whether he likes it or not. Her face, her eyes, her smile, it was all still there fragmented in his mind, ready to be pieced together. But even if he willed not to, those memories would still piece together on their own, plaguing his locked emotions.  
  
But it's not so bad You're only the best I ever had You don't want me back You're just the best I ever had  
  
As he familiarize himself with the path he was taking, he remembered the times when she would insist him to accompany her taking strolls around Kyoto. He was the most stubborn person then, but yet, she was the most persistent woman.  
  
  
"Aoshi-kun, you should smile sometimes, ne? You can be very handsome when you smile," she's teasing me again. Why did I let her take me to the market?  
"Oh, Aoshi-kun..." we stopped and she looked at me in the eyes. I've never seen such beautiful blue eyes before, and they are smiling at me. But I looked straight at her. I will never let myself be caught in any of her tricks. "Don't be afraid of me. I'm not your enemy, I'm your friend..."  
"I'm not afraid of you." How dare she tells me that I'm afraid! I'm not afraid of anything. I'm really not...   
  
He would always try to hide himself from her. He was so afraid of accepting her kindness, afraid that it might all be an illusion that will soon fade like it always does. But she would always find him, and in time, he accepted being found. He had accepted that she was real, and the feelings that she showed to him was all real.  
  
So you stole my world Now I'm just a phony Remembering the girl Leaves me down and lonely  
  
"Hisae-san..." he murmured to himself, when he caught a scent of a flower from a nearby merchant by the road. The sun had already appeared from behind the remaining dark clouds. Even under the musky tang of the damp soil, the scent of the sakura flowers from the merchant was still able to penetrate the air, reaching Aoshi's senses.  
It was her. The scent reminds him of her. He remembered taking deep breaths of her hair whenever she would gather him in her arms. The way she gently cradles his head on her shoulder as she stroke his hair tenderly, as a mother would to her child. And he had never felt so much like a child when he's in her arms. He had never felt so vulnerable yet, protected in his life.  
  
Send it in a letter Make yourself feel better  
  
She had given him back even a little of his lost innocence whenever he's in her arms. She had given him the love of a mother he never knew. With long tresses scented with sakura, a warm embrace and a loving smile. From her, he learned how love is felt, and what it was like. And he learned how to accept that love as well.  
  
  
"Why are you going to marry him?" she was surprised when she turned away from the mirror. I didn't knock on the door. I just came into her room.  
"Aoshi-kun, why are you angry?" she asked, her calm voice seemed to float across the room.  
"Da-datte..." I didn't know what to say. I really do admire Nagate- san. He is a good teacher, and I idolize his skills, but when it comes to Hisae-san... "I'm not... I'm not angry. I just want to know." I suddenly felt embarrassed as I looked away, almost forgetting my behavior in front of the Okashira's daughter.  
"Sou na," I heard her say. "Because I love him."  
Love?  
"Naze?" I looked back at her.  
What is it?  
"Aoshi-kun? You don't know what love is?" she asked me. I felt even more embarrassed for not knowing such a simple word. Love. A good onmitsu should be well informed. I don't remember them teaching anything about this... love.  
"Iie. You won't learn love from any training grounds. You learn it in life." She had read my mind, I tilted my head in confusion. How can they not teach this in our training? She knows about it and had surpassed the hardships of a well-trained onmitsu. She must have learned of it from the training then.  
"Love, Aoshi-kun, is what we feel for another person who is close to us."  
A feeling called love? I still looked at her, unfazed by her penetrating gaze.  
"Aoshi-kun," she was looking at me somewhat... sadly. I didn't know why. I simply don't know love. What can I do about it? It doesn't matter. I'm already getting better as an onmitsu. And besides, emotions are a threat to break down one's guard. I don't need such a thing. But still... how can she be a skilled onmitsu if she lets her feelings get in the way?  
"It is the greatest emotion of all, Aoshi-kun. I know that they are teaching you in the training to always hide your emotions. But it doesn't mean that you should erase it from yourself."  
I still look at her, trying to sink in what she was saying. But her words didn't make sense to me.  
"Shikashi... I still don't understand."  
"You will, Aoshi-kun. As long as you don't shut your heart out, you will." She was smiling now, but she still look worried.  
We both fell silent. A question suddenly formed in my mind. I really didn't know how I came upon it, but I still wanted to know, "You said you love Nagate-san... can-can you-"  
"I love you, Aoshi-kun. I love you, like a son I never had." She raised her arms to me, instinctively, I went to her. Somehow, hearing those words from her eased a part of emptiness in me. She hugged me tight. I'm still not used to it, but it feels nice to be in her arms.  
"Do-do you think you can teach me what love is?" she pulled me away from her, but her hands were still holding my shoulders.  
"Iie. I am not the right teacher for you. But soon, someday, you will find that teacher." Her voce was soft, almost coming from far away.  
"Sou," when I paused to think, the idea sounded... good, "Then, I will wait for that teacher. If not, I will have to find her."  
She looked at me approvingly and kissed me on the cheek.   
  
But there was one thing that Aoshi was unfortunate enough not to learn from Hisae. That love comes in a package with pain. Ironic, yet, one cannot exist without the other.  
  
And it's not so bad You're only the best I ever had You don't need me back You're just the best I ever had  
  
  
"Hi-Hisae-san..."  
A pause. She looked up at me, her eyes unusually bright against her pale face, and whispered, though her voice both firm and soft, "Daijaoubu, Aoshi-kun. There's nothing to worry about."  
"Shikashi, Hisae-san..." I tightened my grip on the side of her futon. . I have to be strong. For her.  
"Shh. Daijoubu..." her voice faded a little as her eyes closed. I panicked. I looked around but there was no one but the two of us in her room.  
She didn't look so well. I am not used seeing her lying so still on the futon, with the evident rise and fall of her chest caused by her hard breathing where the tight clutch of her hands lay. Her usual rosy skin was unnaturally pale, and her once red lips were fearfully dry. I still cannot believe that such a spirited woman can be in such a state. It isn't her. It isn't like her at all.  
I started to get up to call the doctor, I heard her small voice, making me turn back to her. My heart was beating so fast. She was in pain, and I don't know what to do.  
"Aoshi-kun... promise me..." she whispered, barely audible.  
I leaned over, trying to hear what she's saying. But her words stung my ear, provoking something in me as it burns behind my eyes, something that might soothe the pain I feel inside, even a little. But I didn't want to show that I hurt, she already does. Why would I search for her compassion when it is mine that I should give?  
"Promise me... you... you will take care of my dear Misao... promise..."  
"D-Dame... dame yo!" I shook my head at her, wanting to make her stop talking nonsense. I didn't want to hear her anymore. I wanted to get up but I can't bring myself to do so. I couldn't bring myself to leave her. My chest tightened even more. It hurts more than it should, and I still didn't know why.  
I looked at her, she already knew that I was angry with the way her eyes soften with sympathy. With her hand, she reached up to touch my face. I felt her cold fingers wipe away the tears I didn't realize was there. But it never stopped, the tears only worsen.  
Then I feel myself being pulled near her, until my head rested on her shoulder. That was when the dam broke. I cried. She hugged me tighter, as I felt her frail fingers brushing my hair.  
"Promise me," she whispered to my ear, "Take care of Misao for she is a very special gift to me. And now... I am giving her to your care. Then you will know you have not completely lost me."  
"Shikashi, you still have to live! I--I don't know how I could take care of her..."  
"You're a fast learner, are you not?" I sensed a hint of tease in her voice, then it turned quieter, more contemplative, "And maybe... maybe you may find a teacher in her."  
I looked up. At first, I was confused at what she was saying, then I remembered what she told me a few years ago.  
/I am not the right teacher for you. But soon, someday, you will find that teacher./  
A child? How can a child teach me?  
"Just wait, and you will soon find out that I am right. Demo... promise me first, to take good care of her..." her grip is getting weaker, and her breathing shallow.  
My tears subsided. But I doubt if the pain will ever go away. Still,  
"Wakatta... I promise."   
  
And it may take some time to Patch me up inside But I can't take it so I Run away and hide  
  
  
After she was gone, I came back and familiarized myself into that cold shell I used to hide into before she came into my life. I barely spoke to anyone unless necessary. I became cold. The weeks grew into months, and years. Misao had already grown, and learned to think and talk and ask, wherein the questions were always directed to me.  
"Oshi-niichan, what's this?" she once asked as she showed me a flower. The scent was painfully familiar, yet, I still answered.  
"Sakura." Like the scent of her hair.  
"Haa... kawaii!" she giggled as she took a sniff from the flower.  
Her laughter caught me. And she looked at me again with bright blue eyes. She smiled. Hisae-san...  
She has the same spell like her mother's, and it captivated me.  
/You have not completely lost me./  
Somehow, the hollowness that I feel inside started to fill. I didn't know if it was because of Misao's laughter, or her eyes, or smile. It is just something in her. But I don't want to find out. I'm afraid that I might find the same thing I found in her mother, and lose her all over again.  
/Maybe... maybe you may find a teacher in her./  
Still...   
  
And I may find in time that You were always right You're always right  
  
/Maybe, back then, I still deserved Misao./  
But now, things have changed. Fate had taken its toll. He didn't know if he still deserved to be her student, especially of such a delicate lesson.  
/It's too late now.../  
And for almost three years, he kept denying himself that one treasure that was already in his reach. He had already perceived Misao's true feelings for him. But he still kept himself away, not wanting to taint her with his dark past.  
/You will learn. Love is patient, Aoshi-kun../  
  
  
"Aoshi-sama, no matter what it takes... I'll still wait for you."   
  
/Shikashi... It can never be anymore./  
  
So you sailed away Into a grey sky morning Now I'm here to stay Love can be so boring  
  
"Don't deny yourself anymore, Aoshi-kun."  
Aoshi stopped from his tracks. His eyes widened as his heart almost leaped out of him. He swore to himself he heard a voice. Her voice. He looked around him, surveying his surroundings with his sharp senses. The bushes and the trees swayed with the playful winds, the beams of the sun filtering through the branches danced on the ground, the shadows playing with his eyes. He can sense her.  
/But it's impossible... she's been gone years ago.../  
A quick wind passed by him, making him turn swiftly until he froze.  
"Hi...sae-san..." he breathed.  
  
What was it you wanted Could it be I'm haunted  
  
"Aoshi-kun..." it was the same soft voice, the same long black tresses, her bright blue eyes, and the scent of sakura permeating the air. Though her kimono-clad form was slightly vague, her features were distinctly familiar. Hisae smiled at him.  
Like before, he instinctively approached her, but stopped a few paces away. Only near enough to see her face more clearly. Again, she had provoked emotions long forgotten inside of him.  
"You found your teacher, Aoshi-kun. Learn from her. Don't be afraid." She said solemnly.  
"O-ore.. wa..." Aoshi whispered, a lump on his throat had formed and he could not go on.  
"You still have not completely lost yourself, Aoshi-kun," she started to walk to him, and Aoshi merely watched her, with her hands raised to touch his face, and her head turned towards him, "She loves you, and she's been waiting for a long time..."  
Before her fingers could touch his face, and her lips could reach his cheek, she disappeared, along with the winds that blew his way.  
Aoshi was in a daze. But was again surprised to find the cemetery he intended going to already right in front of him, and a familiar girl standing in front of Hisae's grave.  
/Misao.../  
  
But it's not so bad You're only the best I ever had I don't want you back You're just the best I ever had The best I ever had  
  
"Okaachan, I wore this kimono just for you," he heard Misao say, he suddenly noticed that she is indeed wearing a kimono. With the same hue as her ocean-green eyes, and white sakura blossoms dancing around near the hem, then she heard her continue.  
"Though at first, I really didn't want to," he could imagine her face crinkle with distaste, "Demo... when Okon told me that it was yours, I thought that you might like it if I come here wearing this. She told me I look great in it, demo..."  
"You do."  
Misao whipped around and saw Aoshi already a few paces from her.  
"Aoshi-sama! I didn't know you were there!" Upon seeing Misao's flushing cheeks and round blue eyes, Aoshi smiled inwardly.  
He started to move towards her, and stopped beside her to kneel before the grave. He placed the sakura flowers he bought from the merchant onto the slab and lit some incense.  
Misao watched him as he prayed with his eyes closed.  
/Something's... different in him. But I can't seem to.../ sensing her watching, he opened his eyes and stood up.  
She looked away and stared at the flowers instead, trying to mentally wipe the blush on her face, knowing that it was there, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear absently.  
There was a somewhat long silence between them, but not an awkward one. The peacefulness of the surroundings, too peaceful in fact, somehow eased the anxiety between them, or maybe it's just one of those divine interventions.  
Misao wanted to say something, needed to say anything. She knew this tranquil silence would disappear eventually and either of them might leave, and she doesn't want that to happen. Not, yet.  
"Anou... those are very beautiful flowers." Misao suddenly spoke, trying not to choke with her words.  
"They're your mother's favorite." Aoshi replied.  
"Sou na..." Misao nodded.  
"She... she loved growing them in her garden."  
Misao looked at him, quite surprised with the change in Aoshi's tone. He sounded wistful... sad. Even his eyes were different, darker and more solemn. For a second, Misao thought Aoshi looked like a little boy who lost something he dearly loved, but was struggling not to show it. Instinctively, Misao reached out for his hand, and squeezed it consolingly.  
  
Aoshi looked at her, startled with her simple touch. He was even more startled to feel a heavy burden lifted from his heart and freeing his soul. All his life, he had never breathed as easily as he can at that very moment. He gazed at her profiled face, her eyes thoughtful, her cheeks slight pink and her lips absently upturned into a small smile. She's like an angel... no, she is his angel. /Why did I ever push you away.../ Were the first words that shaped in his mind. "This was Okaachan's kimono..." Misao said unceremoniously, a bit sheepish as she looked at him, "Okon found it in one of the boxes of my family's belongings. I know it doesn't suit me that well—"  
"It does. You look beautiful, Misao." She heard him say.  
She wasn't able to breath at that very moment. She wasn't even able to look at him, though he's not looking at her as well. Her heart almost jumped out of her skin when he tightened his slack grip on her hand and pulled her to him, causing her to slightly stumble on her geta and placed her other hand on his arm for support. She looked up, which she couldn't figure out if it was a mistake or not, and met Aoshi's deep sea-green gaze with her startled eyes.  
"Very beautiful." She heard his deep voice again.  
The first time was like a hallucination. But hearing Aoshi say those words for the second time was like a dream, especially while she was looking at his face.  
"A-a-arigato..." she replied breathlessly, still unsure if she was awake or dreaming.  
Aoshi watched Misao's expressive face, her flushed cheeks already having no room to get even redder. Hisae was right, he already found his teacher. And he was sure that he will learn many, many things from her. In fact, he already started learning from her a long time ago. He only realized that just now.  
"Can you be my teacher, Misao?"  
Her flushed face turned startled, she looked at him askance, utterly confused, "Nani? How can that be? You know you're better than me in leadership and combat skills, Aoshi-sa—"  
"Iie, not that kind of teacher."  
Misao's eyes rounded, as she gazed deeply into his eyes. Then she understood. She smiled, trying to push back her happy tears.  
"H-Hai," she softly said, then tightened her grip on his hand as she grinned up at him, "Anytime."  
"How about now?" Aoshi asked without pause, his eyes alight, and cupped her face with his other hand.  
Both had momentarily forgotten that the world existed around them. They never bothered how it all began, never dreamt how it will all end. All they cared for is what they have at that moment, and for the rest of their lives.  
And Hisae couldn't agree more.  
  
The best I ever *** owari 


End file.
